The NBA free agency market opens at 9:01 PT today and perhaps the biggest name out there is LaMarcus Aldridge. In fact he already has a list of teams scheduled to meet with him to bid for his services.
Rather than wait though I have managed to hop in my Delorean and acquire transcripts from these pitch meetings. So without further ado:
Pitch 1: LA Lakers
Lakers Brass: Welcome LaMarcus. We would like to thank you for taking the time to meet with us. We know we did not fare well last season but we hope to do better with you this coming season
LMA: Alright, So sell me
LB: Well we have an illustrious history as you know and no one can tell you that better than Magic Johnson himself.
MJ: The Lakers will be better if you sign with the Lakers
LB: Thanks Captain Obvious
LMA: Look history is good and all but I want to win now and I was hoping Kobe would be here to sell me on the team
LB: Kobe couldn’t be here because he is busy beating local high school kids at pickup basketball but he did leave a video message for you
*Kobe appears on a screen*
KB: LaMarcus, I got 5 rings man, I’m the best, better than LeBron and don’t let anyone tell you different. Come play with us or don’t, I don’t give a shit because I’m the best…5 rings bitches…also if you come don’t be expecting me to be efficient or play defense…only 2 ring losers like Lebron do that.
LMA: Alright that was…awkward… but I’m not sure I’m okay with playing with Kobe given his age and you know that thing in Colorad…
LB: WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT EVENT
LB: Shh…we pretend it never happened and do not speak of it because the Mamba knows when you do
LMA: You mean like Voldermort?
LB: Shhh… The mamba is listening
Pitch 2: Houston Rockets
*It’s the middle of the night, LaMarcus is sleeping but awakens when he hears a faint tapping on his window, LaMarcus investigates and sees Daryl Morey (Rockets GM) outside holding a boombox over his head – In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel blares out from the speakers *
LMA: I thought we were meeting tomorrow morning?
DM: That’s not how we do things in Houston, we come early to show we care
LMA: Sounds kinda desperate
DM: (defensively) No it’s not
LMA: Alright come in
DM: In Houston, we are a contender coming off a western conference final appearance, we have two superstars for you to play with and a long history of success with big men
LMA: Sounds great but I don’t know if I’m comfortable being the third option
DM: Listen, Keep this on the down low but if you wanted we could get rid of Dwight but only if you wanted.
LMA: That’s cold man
LMA: That’s intense… I don’t know…
DM: Our coach will let you play whatever style you want as long as you shoot the three, ideally from the corners
DM: We can make you an analytics god
LMA: That’s a lot to digest, can I sleep on it?
DM: Sure but be warned: choose wisely …or else
*JJ Watt emerges from the shadows giving LMA a threatening look*
LMA: Where did he come from?
*JJ crouches in an aggressive stance like he’s preparing to spear someone *
DM: No half measures in Houston, LaMarcus
Pitch 3: San Antonio Spurs
Spurs Brass: Here’s Kwahi Leonard and coach Popovich to pitch our team. Kwahi, what are your thoughts on San Antonio
KL: It’s nice
LMA: That’s it?
SB: Okay…Coach Pop?
Gregg Popovich: We are winners. All we do is win. Join us and win. Win and we reward you But fair warning if you screw up once I will make you suffer
Tony Parker: He does not lie, Pop make Tony cry, but when Tony play good, Tony get to marry Eva, Tony played bad, Tony no have Eva anymore
GP: Who said you could speak? Also you forgot your name again. What is your name?
TP: Reek sir, my name is Reek, No longer Tony because Reek played bad in playoffs
GP: You’re goddamn right. Media thought you injured the ankle on the court but we know what actually happened
LMA: Wow, cost of winning eh? I am concerned about the aging core though. How can you stay competitive throughout my prime
SB: Follow me
*They take an elevator deep below the AT&T Center, The doors open to a pit with a pool of green liquid.*
SB: Welcome to the San Antonio Lazarus Pit AKA The Frank Castle Zone, The secret to eternal youth
* As if on cue Tim Duncan emerges from the pit looking exactly like he was 10 years ago, Tim proceeds to execute a series of jaw dropping flips*
LMA: This is incredible..are there any side effects?
SB: Outside of making your voice a little softer and increasingly like a white guy we’ve yet to see any other adverse effects
Pitch 4: Phoenix Suns
Phoenix Brass: We like you LaMarcus but we have to ask do you have a twin or a better sibling?
PB: We like twins and the worse one of two athletic siblings. We almost have the whole collection, The Morris’, The Lopez’s, The Griffin’s, The Plumlee’s and The Dragic’s
LMA: This is creepy
*As LMA prepares to leave, The Morris twins block the door”
MT (In Unison): Come Play With Us LaMarcus
Pitch 5: Dallas Mavericks
Mark Cuban (Mavs owner): Yo, What ‘s cracking LMA? I’m TV’s Mark Cuban, I’m the cool owner
Chandler Parsons: From Shark Tank BRO!!!!
MC: That’s Chandler, Tell him how cool I am Chandler
CP: Marky Mark the bomb yo. We go out and get turnt like all day BRO
MC: Come to Dallas man and you get to experience the how cool I am
CP: Yeah BRAH. We get to live it up Entourage style, So sick BRO
LMA: Actually my primary interest is basketball and the only real draw here is that it’s close to home. Plus your team would have serious depth issues if you signed me to the max
MC: But look how handsome Chandler is
*Chandler proceeds to take off his shirt and dance Magic Mike style for LaMarcus*
LMA: Listen, I’m all for equal rights but I think you have the wrong idea here I’m not into that
MC: But look how hot Chandler is
CP: Yeah BRO, just come feel my abs. we can take shirtless selfies together..It’d be so sick BRO
LMA: Listen man, all the power to you but that ain’t me
MC: Come back LaMarcus! I can get you on Shark Tank or we can share non skinny jeans.
CP: What’s wrong with skinny jeans?
Pitch 6: Toronto Raptors
Masai Ujiri (Raptors GM): LaMarcus I was happy to see you scheduled a meeting on my blackberry passport
LMA: I hate to break it to you man but I’m only here because Drake wouldn’t stop texting me
MU: We apologize for him..To ensure no more distractions we told him you were actually coming in tomorrow
LMA: Oh thank god, so give me your best pitch
MU: First things first, It’s not as cold as they say.
MU: In Toronto you will not face as much scrutiny if you play poorly because our local media would rather spend 90% of its time covering how many donuts Phil Kessel ate today than actual basketball
MU: You will get to live in relative anonymity because no one here cares that you play basketball, Truth be told much of our fan base is composed of bandwagoners who only come during the playoffs because the Leafs sucked again
*Suddenly a loud rumble is heard as a Helicopter flies by- Drake exits the aircraft looking angry, his eyes red and puffy*
D: You think you can slip one by Drizzy Drake, October’s Very Own, OVOXO??!!
MU: It’s not what you think
D: Save it Masai, I am the global ambassador for this team, I should be here
MU: We just made up that title for you so you would stop pestering the players
*Drake covers his ears*
D: LALALA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
LMA: Dude, were you crying earlier?
D: No, It’s just allergies, I’m famous, I know people
*Kiss From A Rose by Seal starts playing- its emitting from Drake’s Phone*
D: Speaking of which here’s my good friend Kanye West
*Drake puts the phone on speaker*
D: Yeezy what up homie?
KW: I’m not your homie Jimmy Wheels
D: I told you that was just a character I played on TV
KW: Whatever man, Listen I need a favor, I need to you come by the house at 6 and babysit North- Pretend to be a dog- North is currently into dogs
D: Wait, why can’t you just buy a dog?
KW: Because Kim’s afraid the dog will take attention away from her. Also I don’t like no dog showing me up
D: Oh, but I can’t do it Kanye I’m busy
KW: Do it and I’ll pretend to be your friend for a week
D: A whole week?! Deal but can you tell my man LaMarcus here how gangster I am first?
*This goes on for ten minutes*
KW: That’s a good one, just because you changed your name doesn’t make you any less of a girl
KW: Actually that’s an insult to women, you’re like Charmin Soft
KW: Anyway see you at 6 Aubrey and bring a leash. North wants to go for a walk
D: For her or for me?
KW: For you
D: See I told you I know people
LMA: Whatever man
*Masai facepalms and shakes his head*
MU: Remind me again why we keep this guy around?
Pitch 7: New York Knicks
* We enter a candle lit room adorned with a triangle insignia throughout- A strange chant is heard- To the left there sits Carmelo Anthony chained at the hands and feet- to the right sits Phil Jackson cross legged and meditating*
CA: (weakly) Get..Out…While You…Still Can..
PJ: Ignore him he does not know what he’s saying- I am the zen master and this is the cult of the triangle
LMA: I’m getting a weird vibe…I think I’m gonna go
PJ: No, stay we have a new leader now – the Latvian prince : Kristaps Porzingis
LMA: You know I don’t really trust a rookie. I’m gonna leave
*Phil Jackson pulls out a pocket watch and starts swinging it*
PJ: You are getting sleepy… very sleepy
LMA: This isn’t going to work
PJ: You want to play in the triangle offense. You want to be our new scapegoat
*LaMarcus pushes away the watch and walks out the door*
LMA: Goodbye Phil
Who will get LaMarcus Aldridge? Stay tuned and thanks for reading this completely fictional piece.