The first trailer for the upcoming murder mystery movie Murder on the Orient Express was released today. Along with it came this synopsis:
“What starts out as a lavish train ride through Europe quickly unfolds into one of the most stylish, suspenseful and thrilling mysteries ever told. From the novel by best selling author Agatha Christie, “Murder on the Orient Express” tells the tale of thirteen strangers stranded on a train, where everyone’s a suspect. One man must race against time to solve the puzzle before the murderer strikes again.”
On early examination, this looks similar to Clue, both the board game and the board game inspired 1985 cult favorite. Sporting an all-star ensemble that features Jedi in training Daisy Ridley, Johnny Depp, Penélope Cruz, Willem Dafoe, Judi Dench, Josh Gad, Michelle Pfeiffer among others, it’ll be up to Kenneth Branagh’s Hercule Poirot to solve the mystery. This will prove to be a difficult task though because on top of being the self-proclaimed world’s greatest detective (Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Downey Jr and Ben Affleck would disagree) Branagh is also directing the film.
To help ease his task, I have an early hunch on who the primary suspect should be based on my incredible deduction skills ranked in order of suspicion level:
The dude spent time as an innocent snowman and as the unwitting sidekick to a narcissistic baboon, the only way he kills anyone is if that person happens to have an irrational rage-induced heart attack induced by the news that Le Fou is gay.
Essentially Royalty at this point, though she does command the world’s greatest spy so cannot hold her past some secret espionage tactics.
3. Penelope Cruz
Rule of thumb: Accents are deceiving and those who possess them are a source of many heartbreaks. Perhaps our victim is a scorned lover?
2. Willem Dafoe
Do not trust: may seem like your best friend’s rich yet somewhat creepy dad but is actually a crazy goblin that will try to kill you in some weirdly convoluted plot
Look at that clearly guilty smirk and equally guilty mustache. It’s clearly Johnny here no question. Though in a surprise twist he’ll probably tell you he was Colin Farrell the whole time…(insert dramatic dun dun dun sound here)
My final verdict: Johnny Depp in the dining cart with scissors (hands).