What is Han Solo’s Real Name?

Last week Disney CEO Bob Iger dropped an interesting tidbit about the upcoming Han Solo origin film. He stated: ”There are a few significant things that happen in Han Solo’s life, like acquiring a certain vehicle and meeting a certain Wookiee that will happen in this film. But you will also discover how he got his name.” Most of that we already knew except for that last bit, so, in perhaps the dumbest thing this site has ever published, we try to guess the real name of our favorite scruffy looking nerf herder.

Han Solo

In an ironic twist, we learn that Han’s name is actually Horatio Abraham Nicholson which he abbreviates to the much shorter Han.

Bort

Originally named Bort, he changes his name to Han after they run out of Bort license plates for the Falcon.

Indiana Jones

Thereby opening up the Star Wars / Speilberg shared universe

Clint Hardwood

In a nod to legendary cowboy Clint Eastwood, Han was originally named Clint Hardwood but changes it when he realizes that name is more fitting for a 70s porn star rather than a feared outlaw

Chewbacca Sound

One day Han and Chewy got really high off of space drugs and decided it would be really funny to change their legal names. It plays out like this:

Chewy (translated): Han, you gotta try this new strain man,

Han: I dunno man, Where’d you get it?

Chewy: I know the flute guy in the Catina band

Han: That guy? But he looks so innocent

Chewy: Dude, just try it

Han: I got a bad feeling about this

*10 minutes later*

Han: and it’s gone

Chewy: What’s gone?

Han: Nevermind, Man, my name is so boring…I mean, Han Solo, what does that even mean?

Chewy: You should totally change it, dude,

Han: To what?

*Chewy roars but at this point, Han is so high his interpretation of the Wookie language is the same as the audience*

*Cut to a shot of Han’s official identification*

Under name, it reads: “huuguughghg uughguughhhghghghhhgh”

Hope Solo

Han’s parents always wanted to have a girl so when Han came out male they decided to keep the name anyway. Fearing that having a girl’s name would hurt his galactic street credibility Hope has his named changed to Han.

Ronald McDonald Solo

In an instance of pure selling out, Disney commits the ultimate product placement. Also this…

Hank Solo

In a game of Dejarik, Hank Solo bets Lando Calrissian  1000 space credits. When Lando comes to collect, he gets 1 K. Literally.

Harrison Ford

Because Meta Irony.

Nate Lam
Nate Lamhttp://beforethecyborgs.com
Editor-in-chief of Before The Cyborgs. Part time filmmaker and occasional short story author. One day he hopes to be as cool as Bill Murray. Follow his latest work on Before The Cyborgs or follow him on twitter (@NateTheCyborg) to get the latest updates.

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